she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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