Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
