So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
