So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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