Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
