Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize