Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
