bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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