I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I am one with the molecules
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
