Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We need to get me chipped asap
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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