If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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