Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
