yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
