hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize