It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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