I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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