There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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