Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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