hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
