The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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