How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
