He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
