I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize