i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We're too hungover to prance.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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