i already hear my dad disowning me
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
pray to the hookup gods
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
