woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
