last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
