I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
