i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize