True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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