It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
