Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Send help, water and tortillas.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
