He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
