Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
