I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
