omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
