you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
