still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize