dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i believe in u and ur pee
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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