So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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