Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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