I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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