rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
