I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
