i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
