Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
