please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
