Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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