I think I won the penis lottery.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
