I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
