for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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