So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
