How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
