your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
