remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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