Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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