Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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