fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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