I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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