i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
